So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
