Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
