Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
