remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
