If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
