ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
