3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
