Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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