So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
I stole a fireplace last night.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
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