I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Randomize
