this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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