I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
two words...techno handjob
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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