He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
