took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
