Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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