officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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