Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Just high enough for therapy.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
