New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
