The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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