maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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