if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
