I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
i just had sex bonerless
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
