we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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