the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Ketchup is God's man juice
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
