My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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