Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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