Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
