i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
