I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
