chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
