She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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