They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
