dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
