He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Randomize
