my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Someone came in the potted fern
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
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