A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
