My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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