so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
