I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
