then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
