This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Randomize
