Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
