so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
