Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
