Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
