If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
