You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
