note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Randomize
