she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
