Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
