twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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