hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
